My Family – a story about your normal, middle-class, dysfunctional parents

After a gap of two months I’ve started posting again on my other blog ‘Random Thoughts’. I had neglected it recently as this one was taking up much of my time. On the other blog I wrote a post about a family I saw last week in our local coffee shop. This short story is a somewhat tongue in cheek description of what might have happened.

My Family

“Hello Penny, Miranda here, just returning your phone call. Can’t talk for long. I’m in the local coffee shop and I’ve got the kids with me.

Oh they’re fine thanks. Oliver starts Nursery soon, than God, he’s such a handful, gets more like his father every day. Then there’s Rupert who’s nearly three.

Yes I know it’s amazing where that time has gone, and then there’s the baby, Piers. He’s just started crawling I’m never really sure just where he is half the time, but the other two are good with him. Hang on a minute Penny ….

Oliver darling, leave that nice doggy alone, there’s a good boy. No, don’t do that darling he doesn’t like it. You’ll only make him angry. Rupert, stop climbing all over that lady’s table, you’ll burn yourself on her coffee. Will one of you see if you can find Piers, he’s not in his buggy.

Sorry about that Penny. You know what it’s like when you’ve got kids. Oh darling I’m so sorry, I completely forgot, you and what’s his name can’t can you. How is ….., Jeremy, yes that’s him, how is Jeremy? Oh I’m sorry to hear that dear, but you’re probably better off without him. What’s that, his secretary, never, she must be half his age. Have you still got the house darling? What about the Porsche? Good well you make sure you hang on to them and screw him for every penny you can.

Just a minute Penny, the girl behind the counter wants to take my order. Yes that’s the one, the red-head, yes she still works here and still as impatient. I’ll have a latte and three cokes. No not you Penny, I was talking to the red-head. Sorry Penny can you just hold a minute …..

Oliver, what did I tell you about that dog. Take your hand out of it’s mouth and stop that screaming. I hope that’s not blood on your new tee-shirt? Rupert give that little girl her lollipop back and get down from that table before you fall. Have either of you found Piers yet? Rupert check he’s not gone outside.

Sorry about that Penny. Now you were telling me about that bastard of a husband of yours To be honest dear I think you’re well rid of him. I never did like him, the way he used to undress me with his eyes was always a bit creepy and what he suggested to me at our party last year. Didn’t I tell you darling? Well maybe another time, when you’re properly over him. What’s that, sorry you’re going to have to speak up, it’s getting rather noisy in here, what with kids screaming and dogs barking. My Mike? Oh he’s fine. Well I think he is. I hardly ever see him what with all his business trips and his golf.

Anyway Penny it’s been lovely talking to you but I’m going to have to go. It looks like Oliver has upset a dog, there seems to be a lot of blood everywhere and Rupert has fallen off a table and poked a lollipop stick in his eye. Not sure whether to take them straight to Accident & Emergency or finish my coffee first. Tell you what I’ll give you a ring from A&E. What’s that? Piers? Oh I’d forgotten about him. He’s such a quiet one. I wonder where he’s got to? Oh, it’s OK Penny, there’s a nice policeman coming into the shop and he appears to have Piers under his arm. I must say he looks very dishy, I wonder if he’ll give us a lift to the hospital. To be honest Penny, he looks a bit like your Jeremy, only younger. Speak to you soon darling.”


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