I recently read a poem by Joe Moran called ‘Job Advert’ which I found highly entertaining. So I have taken the liberty of copying the style of this poem and have written a job advert for an Assistant Headteacher. The more serious parts were taken from an actual advert.
We are seeking to appoint
an exceptional Assistant Headteacher
from the start of the academic year.
You will have a track record
of outstanding classroom practice
and the ability to lead
improvement in academic standards
and student outcomes.
As a member of the SLT
you will play an important role
in the overall leadership
and management of the school.
In addition, you will have
one or more of the following attributes:
an ability to read minds,
a skin thicker than that
of your average rhinoceros,
a lack of empathy.
You will be able to
upset the majority
and satisfy the minority,
while at the same time
taking the blame for everything.
The capacity to annoy parents
with an ill-chosen turn of phrase
or a withering look,
would be an advantage.
Being able to ingratiate yourself
with governors, Ofsted inspectors
and the Headteacher
but not essential.
The post is for life
and you will begin on a salary
far lower than that of your predecessor
and with an inflated workload
and as an employer,
we are committed to valuing diversity.
A writer of short stories.