This is my umpteenth attempt to reorganise the freezer. My last try I got the ice cream in but at the expense of the frozen peas. I need the peas. According to my late wife, Maureen, it’s the only healthy food I eat.
But I can’t leave the ice-cream out. Life wouldn’t be worth living without a daily scoop of Häagen-Dazs. I suppose the raspberries could go, but that would be such a shame considering what a great crop it was this year.
No, the only answer is to take Maureen’s head out. Or maybe her left leg?
I simply reacted like any teenager. Scowled a lot. Said it was boring and I’d better things to do with my life.
I never mentioned Neil.
The ever-popular, charismatic Mr Neil Samuels. The charming ex-professional who used to keep me behind at the end of sessions for extra tuition. The same dependable man who made me promise not to tell anyone about our little secret.
They said I was good. Olympic standard at least.
Nowadays I can’t go near a swimming pool without being violently sick.
“Sometime this morning, I think. On the High Street by the synagogue. I got hit by a bus.”
“Oh dear, it appears there’s been a dreadful mistake. It should have been a Mr Peter Michael Jones who died this morning, not you. You’re not due here for a good few years yet. This is most unfortunate. If you’ll take a seat Mr Jones I’ll see about getting you back into your earthly body. Let’s just hope it’s not too late.”
That’s where she kept me. The room with the blinds.
I remember once letting the blinds up, the light from the sun was amazing. She was so angry when she saw what I’d done.I remember her hitting me with that belt of hers. God, I had some bruises that night.
I didn’t see the sunlight again for another ten years. Not until that policeman came in and took me away.
I cried for a week. Kept asking to see her but they wouldn’t let me.
I know she ’s evil but you’ve got to remember, she’s still my mum.